Worst Pies Ever
by JDeppIsMyLovely
Summary: This is a silly Oneshot of Worst Pies in London, Like my previous post of By the Sea; Sweeney's thoughts are revealed as Mrs. Lovett serenades him


**This is another Sweeney Todd song I put Mr. Todd's thoughts to! Not as great as By the Sea but this song delt more with things you were seeing in the movie so it was more difficult to write, BUT I HAD TO DO IT ANYWAY! My mind wouldn't shut up about it :)**

**Anyway, Read my newest addition of nonsense I've posted below, Enjoy! :)**

**Oh, and I dont own the song Worst Pies in London...that lucky Stephen Sondheim does. Not me. Him.**

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><p><em>A customer!<em>

Damn! She spotted me!

_Wait! What's your rush?_

Uh oh, she's walking towards me…

_What's your hurry?_

Ah ha ha ha…wrong shop…?

_You gave me such a__..._

Such a…? you should finish your sentances, lady.

_fright! I thought you was a ghost!_

like I haven't heard THAT pale-joke before, Mrs. I-Probably-Haven't-Left-The-House-In-Fifteen-Years!

_Half a minute, can't ya sit?_

No. I can't.

_Sit ya down!_

Oi! Don't command me, Crazy Baker!

_Sit! *pushes Sweeney in chair*_

Hey don't shove! Its not nice!

_All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks._

That's 'cause you shove people…

_Did ya come here for a pie, sir?_

Not really, no. I kinda lived here...

_Do forgive me if my head's a little vague._

Vague? Soooo…you're a tad crazy, are you?

_What is that?_

What's what? I'm lost...

_But you'd think we had the plague._

Well THAT startling statement came out of nowhere!

_From the way that people_

Hate plague pies? Yeah, those things tend to kill people.

_keep avoiding!_

Oh, non literal use of plague, gotcha…

_No you don't!_

Yes I do Madame Mind-Reader!

_Heaven knows I try, sir!_

Try? Try what? To NOT be the crazy lady on the corner?

_But there's no one comes in even to inhale!_

Because you're the crazy lady on the corner…duh.

_Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?_

I am right, thanks for agreeing. And I guess…?

_Mind you I can hardly blame them!_

Blame them for what…? My suspicions are now heightened…

_These are probably the worst pies in London._

Ew. *pokes pie* Should I pick it up or…?

_I know why nobody cares to take them!_

Because there's mold on them. I don't eat…mold.

_I should know!_

Well if you know, why don't you FIX IT?

_I make them!_

Unfortunately! Where's Paula Dean when you need her y'all?

_But good? No..._

Not at all.

_The worst pies in London..._

You don't even have to eat every pie in London to know that's a fact…

_Even that's polite! The worst pies in London!_

*sniff* Yeah. that's mold.

_If you doubt it take a bite!_

Ok…I'm kinda nervous about this but, here I go!

_Is that just, disgusting?_

Good. Lord. My boyfriend in prison tasted better than this!

_You have to concede it!_

I'm gonna puke. Seriously.

_It's nothing but crusting!_

I'm spitting this out. RIGHT. NOW.

_Here drink this, you'll need it._

The only thing that will wash the taste out is acid!

_The worst pies in London_

Please tell me this is strong liquor or acid.

_And no wonder with the price of meat_

_*_looks in mug_* _Aaannddd, It's ale. Oh joy.

_what it is_

Stop saying things without subjects! Yeah, I went to your bad grammar. Deal with it.

_when you get it._

GET WHAT? My infuriation level is quite high right now...and not the drug induced high.

_Never thought I'd live to see the day._

When some one ate your pie and liked it? You'll probably die before that happens…

_Men'd think it was a treat_

Eating your pies? Please say no.

_findin' poor_

Seriously woman, finish your sentences!

_animals_

Again_: SENTENCES!_

_what are dyin' in the street._

You put…_animals_ in your pies? that's sick, lady.

_Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop._

Does she have crappy pies like you, too?

_Does a business, but I notice something weird._

Her pies AREN'T being used as a gag-reflex test? Unlike SOMEONE'S...

_Lately, all her neighbors cats have disappered _

_SHE USES KITTIES?_

_Have to hand it to her!_

Hand her the keys to the loony bin!

_What I calls,_

Wrong? Immoral? Gross? Just plain all-around not niceness?

_enterprise!_

_.._.what.

_Poppin' pussies into pies!_

THAT'S enterprise to you! This place is even crazier than when I left!

_Wouldn't do in my shop!_

Oh, PHEW!

_Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!_

Never mind, you're cool in my book, Mrs.…ah, Lovett is it?

_And I'm telling you them pussycats is quick._

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH! BACKTRACK! You've TRIED that? Well I just took back what I said one line ago!

_No denying times is hard, sir!_

I don't_ care_ how hard times are! Kitties have done nothing to you to deserve that! *sniffle*

_Even harder than the worst pies in London._

Wow really? that's actually quite impressive…

_Only lard and nothing more-_

Lard? But I'm trying to watch my figurrrreee!

_Is that just revolting?_

Yep.

_All greasy and gritty?_

Definitely.

_It looks like it's molting!_

UH-GREED!

_And tastes like...we'll pity._

That's what pity taste like? Well I wont be tasting THAT ever again!

_A woman alone...with limited wind_

Um, dropping hints much?

_And the worst pies in London!_

I don't care about the deliciousness state of your pies, I'm not going to sleep with you.

_Ah, sir_

Yes?

_Times is hard._

Is this an innuendo of some sort?

_Times is hard._

…just to be clear: I'm NOT sleeping with you.

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><p><strong>So how was it? not great, as I said above but I really want some feedback! I'm going to do a couple more songs (from Mrs. Lovett's and possibly Toby's POV) so I REALLY wanna know what you cool kids think :) <strong>


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